After last night, I could never be a politician.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
