Ambien. No doubt about it.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
