Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
