I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
