he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Randomize
