Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
