we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
