I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
