You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
