so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
