what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
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