I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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