Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
