So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
