my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
