I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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