my phone needs a breathalizer
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
