if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Randomize
