I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
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We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
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I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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