I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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