Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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