do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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