That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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