it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
