My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I enjoy the company of your penis
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