You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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