I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
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