No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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