I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
