Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Randomize
