I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Randomize
