I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
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