Jerry, you need to find god
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Randomize
