I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
