My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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