but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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