matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
