Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
