Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
