My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
We need a shit load of segways right now
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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