Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
