Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
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I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
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We need a shit load of segways right now
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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