I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
