Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
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