if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
