I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
