the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
