he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
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