is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
