my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
