she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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