I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
