I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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