The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Randomize
