i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
