Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
