haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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